Written By: Josh Silva & Cam Lippincott
Graphics By: Sara Valbuena
Aries: March 21 – April 19
In a most merry turn of events, you’ll find yourself beneath the mistletoe receiving a strong whiff of the romance in the air, making this season a cause for celebration. But beware the spirit of Krampus, Santa’s sinister Central European sidekick. He’ll no doubt seek to punish you for innumerable past offenses, making your romantic fortune the only present you’ll receive this December.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
This winter is a time to focus on your swag. You’ll be dripping more than the candles on a menorah with your festive fits. Your scarves and sweaters will be fire, and not the kind you’d gather around from a fireplace. This is your season to “sleigh.”
Gemini: May 21 – June 20
What better way to celebrate your zodiac sign than with the coziest holiday film of them all, 2019’s Gemini Man. This underseen action vehicle, starring not one but two Will Smiths, is an innovative 3D experience that must be seen to be believed. Ang Lee’s immersive visual techniques are the perfect present for winter relaxation.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Unfortunately for you, Cancer, there’s gonna be smoke coming out of your chimney, and you’ll be as prickly as a pine tree this holiday season. Some chilly circumstances will bring your naturally warm disposition to freezing temperature, but try to thaw your icy heart and you’ll be able to enjoy the fiery festivities.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
This season usually entails gift-receiving, but you have no time for free handouts. Presents from friends and family only distract from your 24/7 grindset. You should care less about stockings and more about the stock market. Stay hustling this December, and, like Santa, you’ll secure the bag.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Look Virgo, we’re all about the holiday spirit, but that doesn’t mean you should go around dressed up in a realistic Grinch costume fighting mall Santas. It kind of ruins it for everyone. Also, maybe ease it up on all the whole breaking-into-people’s-houses-and-stealing-their-Christmas-trees thing you got going on.
Libra: September 23 – October 22
Listen here Libra, you’re going to need to practice your fake smile this winter, because you will be getting a lot of . . . interesting presents, to say the least. You could say it’s the thought that counts, but with these upcoming presents, that’s honestly debatable.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21:
As you wait in line in the crowded store to buy your last-minute gifts, you’ll reach into your wallet to pay, only to find out all of your money is gone. Weird how that happens. We don’t know why and how. But your money will be gone. Maybe you’ll get it back. Probably not though.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
This holiday season, you’ll get no respect. Your dog’s favorite bone will be your arm! All you’ll get is rejection; your yo-yo won’t come back! Your psychiatrist will tell you that you’re going crazy. If you say you want a second opinion, he’ll say, “All right, you’re ugly too!” That’s just the story of your life: no respect.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Get ready for your completely average winter break. Nothing remarkable will happen at all. Honestly quite boring. We were hoping we could give you a good or bad fortune, but all the moon had to say was, “Eh”. It’s kind of outstanding how unexciting this will be. But yeah, have fun being on your phone for two weeks . . .
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
This winter, Aquarius, the heat isn’t coming from the fire in your chimney, it’s coming from the straight bars you’ve been spitting on SoundCloud. Your raps will be so hot that Santa will be mailing you letters asking for a copy of your mixtape.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
Winter, what a fun time for everyone . . . well, except you. Why? Because you procrastinated on all of your work for the past four months and the semester is about to be over. Crazy how that happens, right? Better yet, you’ll probably spill eggnog all over your homework right before you finish. Try again next year!